Healing for the Hurts

It was not a joyous occasion on that snowy winter morning in 1944, with my mother wanting nothing to do with her new baby, claiming it wasn't even hers. By the time I was of school age my parents had convinced themselves that I was evil and stupid. It wasn't until I was forty that I discovered the reason for this persistant rejection. Mother had been raped by my uncle and I was the result. When I heard this, all the bewildering comments I'd heard from relatives over the years suddenly made perfect sense.

By the time I learned the truth, the rebellious teenager I had been had already been replaced by a man who loves God. With His help I was able to release the bitterness I had carried for so long and even forgave that uncle.

In my youth, it seemed I was constantly in trouble with someone. My parents were very religious and each evening the family had to kneel in a circle while chanting long meaningless prayers. As you can imagine, I rejected religion. I was a thief and a liar. On one occasion, after stealing a motorcycle and riding it all around the city, I was eventually stopped by the police. It was my speeding which had attracted their attention.

By my fifteenth birthday I had left school and started full-time work. I was into hot cars, motorbikes, and girls. I thought I couldn't get enough girls. Cops were just a hazard to be avoided and speeding fines were just annoying taxes. It is amazing that I wasn't killed or put into prison.

By age of twenty-one it seemed there was no future in jobs I was getting, so I began to search for wisdom and understanding. After three frustrating years trying to get ahead financially, I decided to go to university. It was not easy because my education had been so limited. Most of the students spent more time partying than studying, and I was no exception, but four years later I received a bachelor's degree, with a major in philosophy. Though I had struggled with my studies, I had proven to myself that I wasn't as stupid as I had been brought up to believe.

Before long I became aware that I was still frustrated. I now had an education, a house, a car, a wife, and a baby, but still did not have wisdom or wealth. There were some good long-term options, but I wanted the good life before I got too old to enjoy it. One of my brothers had managed to save some money and was also looking for something better too, so we joined forces and bought a service station and motor repair business. We did very well. Our bank manager even offered to lend us the finance for a major project. Little did I know how soon I was to lose it all.

One day a beautiful young woman came in to have her car serviced. I just had to have her, and before long we were having an affair. This was not the first time. My wife didn't seem to worry when I was out late. She spent time with her women friends and seemed happy enough. There had never really been any passion or romance in our marriage anyway; we were really just companions.

Starved for love as a child, I was always trying to find it in the arms of a new woman. On one occasion I had sex with three different women in the one day, but found no satisfaction. Looking back I can see what a rotten person I was - a liar, a cheat, and very selfish. I scoffed at anything that hinted there may be a knowing, caring God out there.

On the other hand, I was always ready to give credence to tales of the paranormal. I was pretty much New Age in my thinking. One evening while with a lover, I was over-powered by a desire to completely possess her. It was not enough to know her physically, I wanted to know her thoughts and feel her feelings. This was so intense that I forced my spirit to leave my body and attempt to enter hers. At this point some of you may be ready to write me off as a nut case, but read on. I was familiar with "out-of-body" experiences, but had never before tried to enter another person. Instead of entering her, I found myself surrounded by featureless greyness.

My friend later said that she thought I had died of a heart attack. One moment I was with her, fully engaged with what we were doing, and in the next I was a lifeless hulk. To all intents and purposes I was gone for about forty minutes. This was not like anything I had known before. It was empty and cold with nothing to focus on, and I began to feel panic. Then I noticed a faint glimmer off to one side. When I looked, I could see nothing, but there was that sense of a very faint light. It was like the night sky when you have the impression there are stars, which you are not quite able to see.

Moving toward the glimmer, it became a light and slowly its illumination forced the darkness back more and more. I saw a kind of portal or doorway ahead of me, and I wanted to go through it into the light where I felt I would be safe but try as I might, I could not go forward. I knew I only had to relax in order to go back into the darkness.

Looking more carefully at the opening, I saw the figure of a man. Suddenly the man stepped out in my direction. As he did so, it seemed he was gigantic in comparison to me. It seemed like I was no taller than the soles of his sandals and I was terrified. Amazingly, with each step he took toward me, he seemed to shrink. By the time he reached me, he was just a little taller than me. His revealing gaze showed me what a filthy rotten bit of muck I was. Then he spoke, saying, "You know who I am."

"But You're not real," I replied. He just looked at me with that knowing gaze. A feeling of hopelessness came over me as I wondered if this could be my judgement day. What hope could there be for me? I had been living a life of sin and had denied Jesus Christ for more than half my life. Now it seemed that I had died in the very act of adultery.

"What do you want?" He asked. He knew exactly what I wanted, but obviously wanted me to speak it out. "I want to come into the light." I said, without any real hope of being admitted. "You can't go in there, and you know why," He said with finality. At that, all remaining hope and strength drained out of me; I was in utter dread.

It was then, when all was lost that the amazing grace of God took me to the greatest moment of my entire existence. He led me to a low bench that I had not noticed before, and sat down with me. He said, "Neavei, I love you." I cannot describe that love except to say that it far transcends anything you can imagine. His love swept through me, touching every part of my being. For most of my life I had been denied love and now the Creator, Himself, was infusing me with His untrammelled love. Here was I, this vile mucky creature, being loved by this perfect Lord of all Creation, Jesus.

"I am sending you back. I have work for you to do." He said. Completely overwhelmed with joy at this reprieve, I could not even reply. I listened as He continued, "There are many on earth who know of Me. They have been raised in confusing circumstances and are deceived. They need to be told the truth. Go and tell them that 'I Am.' I love them and am coming back soon."

When He told me I would forget this encounter, I became puzzled and fearful. He explained that the day would come when I would call out to Him to save me from the mess I had made of my life and from that moment on, He would hold me in His hand. As I heard those words I awoke to find myself face down in the back of the car. I remember gasping for breath, and then choking on the dust I had just breathed in. Pulling myself together, I stumbled out of the car. My friend was pacing up and down. She thought I was dead and was wondering how to get rid of my body without facing awkward questions. It took me time to calm her down.

Not much changed in my life. I continued my life-style until finally, in 1992 when my life was at an all-time low, I called out to God for help. Even then I did not notice any sudden change. Weeks passed and I found myself sharing a house with a Christian. He had answered my advert for a flatmate. He seemed an ordinary bloke in most ways, but was always inviting me to go to church with him. Attending a concert there one time, I was amazed that the church was so full. Then, when the minister spoke, something in me responded.

Months passed and I would occasionally go to an evening service with my friend - always with the same result. About that time I visited my sister, who had been a "born-again Christian" for some years. She told me many things, which affected me in a powerful way. I wanted to believe in Jesus. He seemed to be the answer to so many problems, but was all this just the delusion of an emotional cripple, who couldn't make it without some sort of crutch?

One by one, the Lord dealt with the issues in my life and there came a time when I knew that I had to make a decision about the direction my future would take. In my search for wisdom I had looked into the most popular religions, and some cults, and found them wanting. Now I was being confronted with a sovereign God who takes a personal interest in all who seek Him.

Praying that God would reveal the truth no matter what it cost me, it was as if blinkers had been removed from my eyes. By then I felt a great urgency to get the matter settled. One sleepless night I sat up with the Bible. About 3:30 in the morning I prayed, "God, I have reservations about what is written in this Bible. I lack the ability to understand what I am reading." Instantly I received an understanding of that particular puzzle. There and then I finally committed my life to Jesus Christ.

Since then many puzzles have been sorted out for me. Slowly God began the process of renewing my mind. Everything changed as God tranformed my entire life. It was not a quick process as there were many things that needed change and repair. With time I joined the FGBMFI and began working with other men to fulfill the commission Jesus had given me all those years ago to reach out to the lost in this world.

God continues to work in my life. I now have a great marriage that improves day by day. I am so very thankful that God can do the impossible. I only deserved God's judgement, but He patiently loved me and forgave me for my many sins. Now He is giving me the means to share this miracle with you because He loves you too. These are the end of days. Jesus is coming back soon.